Allow myself to introduce….myself.. (yes, horrible Austin Powers line, I know, cheesy, but hope it made you smile!) My name is Melissa, I’m a 40something wife of a husband, Brian, who had a motorcycle accident almost 8 years ago. As a result of not wearing DOT helmet that fell off his head, he suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury and hasn’t been the same. Now I dont want sympathy or anything, just venting and getting my story out. Life wasnt always butterflies and roses, but it had more ups than downs. We used to enjoy each others company and laugh and drink (maybe exvessively) but we were younger and free. We do have a few kids between us, but they were with their other parents for half the weekends, so we could cut loose. We started hanging out 13 years ago, we had so much in common.. almost too much.. it was odd.
So why do I sit down in the shower and cry? Well, Brian loves his beer and when he drinks too much (any amount is too much for a TBI survivor, but the fight is out of me and hes an alcoholic)… and when he reaches a certain level of drunk, he becomes viscious. I don’t just mean mildly…. severe. The other evening we had friends over, we enjoyed dinner and drinks, then out came the whiskey (which he never ever consumes) after the 1st shot…. 5 minutes later he was ready for the 2nd shot… i pushed it off and said to wait… so we did. Not much later it was poured.. I passed. Then 2 more shots and I could see the fake smiles and bad limp in his walk when he got up for a smoke. I knew I was in for a bad night. Around 10:30 the friends left, Brian relocated to the couch, angry. I was cleaning but noticed he was falling asleep… so I approached him to go up to bed, quickly i was turned down, clenched fists and tight jaw. A few back and forth about going up, he finally did. A few minutes later the house shook and I heard a loud THUD, so I ran upstairs. He was on the floor coming out of the bathroom. Again clenched fist, refused my help getting him off the floor so I returned to cleaning up downstairs. I was done and went up myself to brush my teeth and go to sleep. except Brian wasnt in bed yet, he was back in the bathroom. So I waited, when he came out I got the coldest stare I’ve ever seen. Like he was looking thru me almost. He aruged about going to bed in “my bed” and started accusing me of showing my p*ss* to everyone I meet, the tattooed guy, his cousins husband, my coworker and the rest of the world. I didnt argue, I tried to change the subject back to getting so sleep, so reluctantly he laid on the bed, fully clothed, on top of the sheets. I did what I had to and came into the room. climbed under the sheets on my side and started to go to sleep. Alas, the night was not over. Moments later I glanced to my right and he was staring at me.. muttering something. I said please go to sleep and gt told “Shut the f*<* up! you whore, f*<*ing sl**. Da*n c**t” Over and over the same terms, belittling me abusing me with those words… names no man should call his wife.. or any woman for that matter. Over and over for what felt like an eternity. I pretended to be asleep, but it didnt end. At least a half hour went by, he started adding in i f**ked over him, his kids, my daughter, my brother and my dad (who i just lost i. April) How much of a bi**h I am… how bad I am… those words over and over. It took all my energy to not respond, to just breathe slow and steady like I was asleep and didn’t hear any of it. I wished I didn’t.
Come morning I got up and out of bed at 4am, went downstairs to the couch and took a nap with the puppy. When he finally woke and came down for coffee, he had no idea all the things he said. None. He stared at me in disbelief when I told him. “I didn’t mean it” “I don’t know where that came from” Unfortunately I do. When he blamed it in the whiskey, I told him no…. the whiskey got you drunk faster, but you haven’t had whiskey in 13 years, but you’ve said those things to me before. Sorry sorry sorry, I’m so tired of hearing sorry from someone who doesnt mean it. Sorry for treating you like garbage, its not how I feel. But then why do you continue to do it, over and over?
It’s so hard and trying for me to stay. It’s hard to take the abuse and smile. It’s hard to be here with him. I am trying, he has a TBI, and I know thats no excuse, but it’s a fact. He is totally high functioning, works, drives, but can’t treat his wife like a person. While we were drinking, he noticed the husband started getting a bit mean to his wife and he got him to change the subject. So he notices other people, just not what he does?